PhewDeep breathes Inhale Exhale Count to 10 Repeat
Ok, I'm here. I'm back. I'm well. Talk about a hiatus! My last blog post was over a month ago. That's not like me...well the more recent "me". I'm in tune though, with me, with my feelings and my reality so this hiatus was long overdue.
Before I begin this post, I want to tell you all what's kept me away from writing for a while...because I sat down to write so many times over this past month and just couldn't get my thoughts together. Couldn't get my feelings in tact. It's been a while so I didn't want to come out smoking hot like Pac spouting "First off !Ff*ck your...and the clique you claim!" Y'all know? Sometimes you have to let the thoughts marinate before you go off on the keyboard, and I'm not Pac, I don't have the clout for a blog version of a diss track.
Ok, ok back to the story.
Something happened to me. Well...not happened but something was said to me and it kind of knocked me off balance a little. Now usually, I'm team f*ck being liked, but something about this person's words to me just had me like wait...what? I've been sitting still ever since.
So... I was out of town, with family and you know, genuine, true to self, self caring me - I wasn't feeling to hot emotionally. So, I did not try to hide it. I was "appropriate" with my feelings given the situation (whatever appropriate is) but they were there nonetheless.
So I'm chillin' right? An extended family member of mine comes up to me and, mind you, I have not seen this woman in years. I'm talking YEARS...like I was fresh out of just hitting puberty years, and this person goes...you know...you've changed.
Ok, so stale ass me. I merely give her a look and go -"Okay... I don't follow?". She proceeds to tell me that I've changed and that I'm not the bubbly outgoing little girl that she used to know and that she doesn't like it. Yep, that's right...that SHE doesn't like it. She called me "impatient", too quiet and questioned why I wasn't as outgoing as I once was...
F*cking stunned, I'm sitting there like hmmm ok, do I A) Go clean off on this woman who calls herself "caring about me" and saying this sh*t to me as if I'm supposed to be open to receiving this or B) Respect my elders, smile and listen to what she has to say.
Y'all - I choose B. *Face palm* I know, but I choose B. Now any of my black followers know that in a black household, you just do notttt want to go there with one of your elders. So I didn't. I sat there and listened. I sat there and let this woman who hasn't seen me, talked to me or watched my progression from any angle tell me that SHE didn't like who I had become.
Y'ALL. At first I pondered this. I sunk into her negativity and let this sh*t take over my head. I started thinking, man have I changed? Am I this person she's describing? Does anyone else think this?? I guess since this came from someone close to me...ha "close"...I took it to heart.
So when I returned home from this trip, I told a few friends and family members, hell, even my therapist and I was just in love with their responses. With cocked necks and snarled faces, they all stepped back and said "...and who is this that said this? You're amazing, wtf?"
Soon enough I snapped out of it. I realized that this woman has no room to speak to me about ME and that my loved ones were right. If it weren't for the fact that I know that I can be quiet because I don't like to give my energy to those who I don't feel need it and that I'm more than comfortable with myself and know that I was "outgoing" because I was hiding behind a lot of insecurities as a young girl, I would have let her get to me in that moment, but well, I chose to let her have her moment. I didn't feel this needed my energy and in addition to the aforementioned, here's why:
Disclaimer: I'm not pointing fingers or naming names, so let's just call her "Pam". You know, like Pam from Martin who always gave unsolicited advice, Pam? Yea. Let's call her Pam.
1. Pam, you have NO IDEA what I have gone through in the years that you haven't seen me, so yes, I have changed, but rightfully so. 2. Pam...I mean c'mon Pam, you did not even have the decency to ask me "Hey Amber, is everything going good for you?" before you just attacked my whole sh*t. You've gotta ask people these things now-a-days. 3. Pam, I've evolved to lengths that even my closest friends and family members don't know about and I owe that explanation and back story to no one. 4. Pam, this is the best one Pam...you don't like me, but oh honeyyyy, I LOVE ME.
So yea, that's where I've been. Trying to build myself back up a little. I mean, I didn't fall, just stumbled a little, but I had been walking strong for a good while, so it shocked me. Shocked me enough to reflect back on my younger self and to write this.
A Note to My Younger Self
Ams, Amber, Ambie, Baby Girl You are and always have been true to yourself I admire your spontaneity Your ability to change without warning Your ability to stand on your own two feet Your gentle spirit
Don't even apologize for being you For being unapologetic Don't ever let someone knock your crown off I promise, you You're amazing
In my thoughts, I draw up visuals of you Little you How much you just wanted to be free When you would streak naked as a toddler When you would draw on the walls I think of you
You're doing and always will do what's right for you Feed your soul
Sincerely, The sunflower that grew from the sunflower seed